Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
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me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE