This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
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Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light