This dude got his own movie?
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According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin