@seriouslymanish: This dude is using a pay phone , I guess someone got kidnapped
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@pattymo: AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series
@murrman5: [wife calls] did you write "make all the traps from home alone" on the calendar [me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] "no"
@dlicj: me: (texting boss) we still on for work today? boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we're "on" for work every day mon-fri
@GeorgiaSweet20: *walks into confessional, closes door and sits down* Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I've had a pretty wild week...