Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
You Might Also Like
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.