Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
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I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.