This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
You Might Also Like
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone