I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
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If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Alexa: *deep breath*
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.