[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
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Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start