This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
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Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.