This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
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I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.