@corinnemlwsw: This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
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@krustythe_klown: [12 doctors in a meeting] alright. which one of you idiots leaked the 1 weird tip to lose weight that doctors wont tell you. IDIOTS!
@jenlaw_11: "You are what you eat" I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog's ashes into my cat's food bowl
@SomeChrisTweets: HELLO, 911? I'M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT'S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE'RE FALLING UP