This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
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The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.