Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
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Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
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“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium