This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
You Might Also Like
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.