This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
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When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second