This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
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Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Confused owl: What?!
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.