This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
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When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
i wish i could marry a nap
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
This kid is going places
guys i’ve cracked the code
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.