Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
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You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he鈥檚 dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He鈥檚 in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I鈥檓 seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don鈥檛 wanna know about
If looks could kill
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 馃暢 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won鈥檛 Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I think we鈥檝e officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician