This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
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My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Sign at work today
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.