If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
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Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
where the womens at?
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam