Me when I wear 4 inch heels
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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
do what now??
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
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Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.