[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
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Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.