@omgthatspunny: This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
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@CornOnTheGoblin: [magicians backstage] don't panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
@FrenulumBreve: ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before. INSTRUCTOR: don't lick my lips again.
@LlamaInaTux: Moms 2007: I don't know why you text LOL when you aren't literally laughing Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys