Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
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A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
lol
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Tell the colonel to bring it
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant