This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
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Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
My dad is at it again
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.