This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
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if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.