“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
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I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I’m literally crying
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.