This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
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Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir