@Sickayduh: This girl won't stop crying because I told her that selfie filters wear off in 6 months.
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@KentWGraham: After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
@abhorrent_wife: There's a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
@WheelTod: Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.