@Sickayduh: This girl won't stop crying because I told her that selfie filters wear off in 6 months.
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@UncleDuke1969: (Trump rally) Trump: I’ll take questions now. Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought? Trump: More water. Crowd: *cheers wildly*
@neiltyson: Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
@ForeverHairy: The nice thing about getting a pet lobster is that you can always threaten to eat it when your kid stops taking care of it.