Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
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As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.