@seriouslyemily: This girls skirt is so short I can see how many times her dad missed a dance recital from here.
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@ThisOneSayz: *on phone* He: so where is this going, babe? Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can't hear you...reception's bad!!
@Introvert_Dad: Jesus fed 5000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish. I can't even satisfy myself with a family sized lasagne
@thenatewolf: *Chooses paper towels instead of the hand dryer right as a tree walks into the bathroom*
@BuckyIsotope: Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.