Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
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INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.