Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
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buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.