My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
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Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!