This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
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Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
😜
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?