@passion8turk: This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
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@bacon_gillepic: Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago* Receives check* Dang I just got a raise
@TheAlexP: *drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts* Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you're doing? I'm a sexy fireman, rawr.
@1Happytwit: My ex told me that Gaga's "Bad Romance" song reminds him of me. Now I'm glad I dumped him. What sort of idiot admits to listening to Gaga.
@JD_KC: The goldfish just gave me the "just flush me" look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.