@RickAaron: This grocery store is playing "Freebird" which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
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@ElleOhHell: UNCLE: Officers weren't even safe from their own men in Vietnam. ME: I've just decided it's too hard to zoom in on any more dogs' noses.
@Brampersandon_: *zips up tent* [Wife]: What happened [Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh.. *flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
@ibid78: I put my pants on just like everyone else. With the help of my twelve most trusted cats.
@UnFitz: 17: If I was gay would you still love me? Me: Of course. 17: If I committed crimes? Me: Yes. 17: If I voted for Trump- Me: Dead to me.