@RickAaron: This grocery store is playing "Freebird" which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
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@215potter: Thank god my brother's getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
@Henry_3k: Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who's head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
@JanelSantaCruz: Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
@TheHatStore: WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?