This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
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My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.