This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
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If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree