I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
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*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.