This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
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Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
iPhone X
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now