This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
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Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]