Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
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Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Saturday
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.