@vault101girl: This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
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@davedittell: can't believe Jesus was born on Christmas and died on Easter, what are the odds? still, he accomplished a lot for a four month year old.
@AristotlesNZ: Nothing solves all of life's biggest problems like a well-timed, awkward & overly complicated kick to the face. -The Karate Kid.
@djdarrellripley: Me: OMG, I haven't seen you in so long! Her: We've never met. Me: That long huh?
@david8hughes: [fakes allergic reaction at dinner] Me: I-I'm- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I'm gonna need you to pay for me