[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
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DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
they should invent a hydrating liquor
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”