This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
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I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light