This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
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DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
What about second breakfast?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*