@amishschool: This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it's making it that much harder to poison him.
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@Mr_Kapowski: *watching a scary movie* 7 y/o daughter: They're just people in masks, right Dad? *blankets pulled over my head* "Sure, if you say so"
@Flykins: regardless means without regard irregardless means the same as regardless except you never had any English classes
@RedemptionAJ: Why is there no volume control on the microwave? Must it always wake the entire house when I'm trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza?
@NurseMurderer: Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don't use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.