I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
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You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.