IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
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2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.