This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
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90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.