@Dawn_M_: This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I'm just going to let him die.
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@envydatropic: If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
@KalvinMacleod: ME (pulling wishbone): I won WIFE: what'd u wish for? M: uh world peace W: Nice *human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
@Bownuggets: Some say I've "gone off the rails," or "left the reservation," or "screwed the pooch," or "mixed my metaphors," or "launched the hot dog"