@Dawn_M_: This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I'm just going to let him die.
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@AGreaterMonster: The mechanic has informed me that the shrieking sound I hear in my car on my way to work is apparently me.
@TheDjinnTrials: A fortune cookie told me I'd receive an important message soon. The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
@TEXASVETERAN: I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.