This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
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[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*