[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
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I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
This could be us but you eatin’
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers